I lack the motivation or energy to even continue my writing right now, as I have wasted too much of it on hypocritical, evil-hearted, blinded people who are claiming to know the same God and Christ as I do, all while harming people in the process.
I feel like shaking the dust of ‘The Church’ from my sandals and moving on to the next destination. My belief is that the “American Church” is a lost cause and I am not even sure if it is my mission to reach them. I thought that God was putting it on my heart to lead a true revival among the churches of America, but at the moment I am feeling more led to go after the souls of those who do not claim to know Christ. There is more hope, I believe, for those people than for the ones whose hearts are blindly following a false Gospel and a fairy-tale God that does not exist. I have tried to reach people such as these and have failed because their hearts and spirits are so blinded.
I feel so weak and defeated right now that I do not know how to put one foot in front of the other. There is still an obligation to live for and serve God. There is still an obligation to be there for my family and to be a rock for them.
I do not (even in the least bit) want to end my life, but I also do not want to live in a world such as the one I am living in today. Instead, I want to crawl into a little hole, sob crying, and just lie there waiting until the Day of the Lord is here… tell Him that I did all that I could… tell Him that I stood up as hard and strong as I could… and be welcomed into His loving arms.
But I know that it does not work like that. I know that I still have work to do as long as there is air in my lungs. To not do the work that is set before me would be a sin against God and would be a slap to the face of Jesus Christ.
Jesus lived as a foreigner, died as an innocent convict, and was raised alone in a tomb. I’ll never know how much it cost the humanity within Him to bear the burden of my sin while He was up on the cross. The only thing I know is that it dwarfed what I am currently feeling and experiencing right now.
That is why I can and MUST carry on doing whatever He calls me to do, whether I want to right now or not. This life will not be easy, will be incredibly lonely, and will be full of intense pain and suffering as we follow Christ and are set apart from this world.
The immense pain that I experienced in my past led me to Jesus in the first place. The pain that I am feeling right now is pulling me further out of this world and closer to Jesus. I must not allow this pain that I am feeling to harden my heart, but must rather let this pain help me kill my flesh even further.
Mark 8:35 – “For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it.”
At the beginning of writing this, I was feeling this incredible feeling of defeat and sorrow and was not planning on posting anything online. There was a level of depression within my soul that I had not felt in years — which I am sure can be felt throughout the first part of this writing. I started this writing in a Google Doc and it was meant to be a venting tool for me and nothing more.
Little did I know, God would respond and have a conversation with me within my own words. Now, I feel a hope and strength that did not come from me, but came from the Holy Spirit through my fingertips and onto these keys in front of me. Now I know what pastors mean when they say that some sermons were written for them, by the Holy Spirit, through their own words.
Whatever is set before me will continue to be done, as long as I align my will with God’s, and it is truly as simple as that.
Romans 8:28 – “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”
Sometimes, though, God has to physically push me to align my will with His…
I did not even want to sit at the computer to write tonight, let alone post something, but Kristen was craving time alone as we have spent much of the past 6 weeks together during this pandemic. God used her desire for alone time to get me in front of my computer so I could start a conversation with Him.
Thank you, God.
Thank you, Jesus.
And thank you, Kristen, for wanting alone time tonight…